QUESTION: My 15 year old daughter came to me and told me that she had missed her periods the last two months. I took her to a gynecologist for a check-up. I was shocked when the doctor told me that she was pregnant. I could not believe it because we had always given her the best education and moral values possible. When confronted with the doctor’s report, she wept and confessed. However she is not ready to reveal who the guy is. Ever since then she has become withdrawn and often very rebellious. How do I deal with this?

COUNSELOR: One can understand the feelings of shock, disbelief, frustration, fear, guilt, shame, anger etc., that come in like waves to your mind at this point of time. You may find yourself unable to think properly when you consider as to what you could do now. This is natural, you must allow yourself to calm down before you say or do anything. You are the best and the only support your daughter has at this time and you don’t want to hurt or alienate her more than she already is, do you?

In hindsight you would say that you could have done many things differently. But since you have already said that you gave her the best education and moral values possible, don’t unnecessarily blame yourself. You should remember that you are not the only one who has an influence on your daughter. When she started going to school, her world went much farther than your home and different kind of people began to influence her. At the age of 15, definitely her friends have a great influence on her behavior and it is not uncommon for good people to succumb to peer pressure. Television, magazines and newspapers are dishing out things that propel young people towards a style of freedom without values. It is sometimes very difficult for teenagers to resist peer pressure.

Only when your daughter gains confidence in you and begins to talk to you, you will find out the factors that led her to this. So, till you find out the reasons you have to assume that she gave in to pressure rather than choosing to ignore your instructions deliberately.

If you consider this as a crisis for you, think how much more of a crisis this is to for your daughter! Think of how confused she must be at this time! She may have thought that she had found the guy of her dreams and was flattered by all the attention that he gave her. Obviously she must have not expected such an outcome but now she may be going through perplexity, helplessness, loneliness, shame, guilt, fear, etc.

Her withdrawing herself could be out of fear of what you might say to her and her rebellion may be her way of acting tough. The first thing you need to do is to assure her of your continued love and support, convince her that you will face this together as a family. You can express your solidarity by just listening to her, without any hint of criticism. Ask her short questions just to encourage her to continue speaking, and don’t interrogate her. Let her express herself freely and let the tears flow. This will relieve her pent-up feelings.

When feelings have cooled down on both sides, then you can begin to talk together about what could be done. Once she is convinced that you are on her side, she will open up and share more details about how it happened and all that she thinks. Avoid showing shock or distress when she tells you unpleasant things so that you don’t put her off. The more she trusts you, the more you will be able to discuss the issue in depth. Find out how she feels about the guy and whether she knows how he feels and what he thinks about this. If she hasn’t yet accepted the reality, give her some time, it may be very painful for her.