Many youngsters today are faced with the dilemma of responding to one’s own developmental needs for intimacy as well as their attachment with parents and family. For some, entering into a live-in relationship is a way of fulfilling emotional needs that have not been met in their lives earlier on. For others, it is a means of moving out of their families because they are unable to resolve emotional issue with their parents or siblings. Sometimes, the pressures of today’s urban culture push one into live in relationships. Now that you desire to enter into a long term commitment, it’s a good time to evaluate your own motivation for marriage. Is your motivation for marriage based on (1) Pressure from parents’? (2) Your partner fulfills an emotional or sexual need? (3) You feel trapped in this relationship? (4) A genuine sense of love for your partner? 

Once you figure out your own motivations for marriage, it will help you to deal with the situation better. If your motivation is purely based on parental pressure or any other reason other than genuine love, it is not wise for you to continue in this relationship. Genuine love demands commitment. Non committal attitude of your live-in partner also brings the option of genuine love into question. If you force your partner into marriage, then your marriage is likely to suffer from conflicts and unhappiness. If your partner is not willing to commit to a long term marital relationship, it might be better for you to terminate this relationship. Further, spend time reflecting on your real need as a woman and your expectations from an intimate relationship. You can seek professional help to enhance your self awareness and thereby prepare you to enter into a good long term relationship with someone else in marriage. 

Your experience of guilt is real especially when you realize your parents had trusted you and you have betrayed their trust. You must confront and address this issue rather than continue to conceal it. Your parents may express shock and disappointment, but seeking their forgiveness and assuring them that you will be careful in making your choice will help solve the issue. 

You will need to deal with emotions of anger, perhaps resentment and a sense of loss if you decide to give up on the relationship. You must resolve the emotional upheavals that are caused by the current relationship before you enter into marriage with the other person. Otherwise you may react in your future marriage based on your past experience. Some scars of the old relationship will need healing for which seeking God’s intervention will be a great solace. Hence, it is also good to seek some time from your parents to avoid being pressurized for marriage. 

To your question of whether you would be deceiving your future husband, there is no easy answer. Marriage is a covenant with God and with your spouse, where God is the witness. Seek God’s forgiveness, healing and intervention to bind your marriage with true love and transparency and commit your life to His hands. Everyone comes to marriage with baggage from their past. However you could choose to reveal your past before marriage if that will help you to be out of guilt. I would advice you not to go into every detail of your past as that would create pain, leave a strong mental impression on your partner and play a negative role in building your relationship. It may also be used as a weapon if your marriage turns sour for whatever reason. If you are reconciled within yourself and if you are not disturbed by your own conscience, you could choose to wait for the right time after marriage when enough love and trust is built. I believe God can make a difference in your marriage!